Sitting here next to my beautiful one day old feeling really good (and sore) I can't help but think it all worked out perfectly. But if you'd asked me 48 hours ago I was kind of a wreck about how things were going.

On Tuesday, October 8th, the morning of Bellamy's due guess date, David and I went on a hike on advice from my doula, Meagan. I power walked until I was hobbling. I went home and used a hand pump as well to hopefully stimulate contractions. Every day after that I started to have contractions very infrequently throughout the day and into the evening. I walked a ton (listening to hypnobabies tracks), curb walked and pumped for a couple minutes on each side twice a day. Basically I successfully started prodromal labor which was encouraging and frustrating because I knew eventually it would turn into real early labor like it had for Scotty's birth.


I had a few really intense contractions early in the morning on Thursday, October 10, (her original due date) and got my hopes up again. When they disappeared, I tried my best not to lose my cool but I was ginormous, tired and JUST WANTED TO HOLD MY SWEET BABY. ha.

Friday night I was wiped- physically and emotionally. I felt kind of nauseous, my back was sore and crampy and I was trying not to cry because I was going to be 41 weeks in a few days and wasn't having any contractions at all. My angel mom would have been here for 2 weeks on Monday. I drifted off watching a movie with David around 10 pm and woke up after having a vivid dream that my placenta had gently torn open and some water was coming out. It was so real I immediately woke up and sure enough- my water had broken. It was almost exactly 12 am Saturday morning.


I knew it could take some time for labor to start so I wasn't expecting it to immediately but wanted to be prepared. I woke up David, texted my doula, threw on my depends I bought just for this circumstance, put the last minute stuff like deodorant and makeup in my hospital bag, and dressed in what I wanted to labor in.

But within a half hour of my water breaking I was having strong surges and was laying in bed listening to hypnobabies birth tracks breathing through them. I started to get a little nervous when they were pretty close together and I could feel her moving down and myself dialating. I had David bring me a banana to eat and call Meagan to come over. David started running around getting stuff ready in the car, got me an english muffin and jumped through the shower.

We wanted to get to the hospital progressed into active labor and pretty far along but didn't want to be in transition in the car- which is a tricky balance. According to VBAC stats, your chances of success go way up when you have a doula, go into spontaneous labor and don't go into the hospital until after early labor.

When Meagan showed up initially, we talked in between laboring. She started helping me through each wave and noticed they were getting more intense. She and I were both worried about how fast my labor would progress because at my last appointment I'd been a 2.5 cm and pretty effaced and I'd been having prodromal labor.


We decided to go around 3 am and I focused on slowing down my labor because we thought I might be close to transition as we drove over there. We got to the hospital and I was in disbelief when the hospitalist checked my dilation and told me I was at a 4. (I involuntary yelled "what?!" and he was like "hey it is what it is, sorry" haha).

I wasn't actually that discouraged because I was pretty focused on breathing through my contractions. I had my hypnobabies soundtracks and over-the-ear headphones and it really helped me block out what was going on around me. I think that was a game changer for me; not because hypnobabies gave me a ton of pain relief but it definitely helped me focus with a stream of positive birth messages and relax my body at least in between contractions.

The biggest game changer in terms of pain relief was Meagan- she did hip counter pressure during each contraction for literally hours. During the most intense moments of active labor it made the difference from excruciating to bearable. She got me a wet washcloth for my neck at some point which felt incredible. Basically it felt like she was omnisciently getting me what I needed the entire time.


Meagan and the nurse, Britney, had me labor in some different positions. I tried holding on to the top of the totally elevated bed squatting (not super comfortable because I kept slipping down). I leaned over the raised bed while standing next to it and squatted with my toes pointed inward to open up my pelvis. I labored on my side for a while as well. I remember asking for a peanut ball and they never brought one for some reason.


David was awesome, especially with communicating what other people were trying to tell me. He'd move the headphones, tell me what I needed to know and replace them. He also did shoulder pressure and would get me chapstick or water or whatever people noticed I needed. I felt crazy supported, like my only job was to labor and everyone else was watching for ways to help.


I also progressed to vocalizing loudly during each contraction. I don't even know how to describe it- I was roaring/groaning as deeply as I could. Somebody coached me to do it low to help me open up and relax my jaw. In retrospect, I think I would have been self-conscious about the sounds I was making except I was in my hypnobabies bubble and I couldn't totally hear myself.

For a good while I had lingering back pain in between the contractions which was frustrating because I really wanted a break from pain between the intense waves. Eventually I had really bad back labor during a contraction which I told Meagan and she had me get on the bed and lay on my side to hopefully get the baby more anterior. Luckily it worked or I would have been crying.

The truth was I went into labor still being undecided about going unmedicated. I was hoping to get to the hospital far enough along it wouldn't be possible to get an epidural. I believed not getting an epidural was the best option for Bellamy and I. It was what I wanted but honestly, I'm usually a chicken and I knew from Scotty's birth I could have a vaginal birth with an epidural. I knew if labor got long I would probably talk myself into one.

The thing about being so internal during this labor was that I had absolutely no concept of time, who was touching me and who was in the room. I would basically only communicate if I needed something, like being too hot or wanting some water. I also couldn't tell you how fast I was dilating, even though I had the nurse check me a few times.

I only wanted to hear I was complete, especially near the end when my body started pushing before I was at a 10. At some point, I was so exhausted I asked for an epidural thinking I was going to be in hard labor like this for hours and hours. If you'd have told me it only took 2 and a half hours to get to a 10 I wouldn't have believed you.

Britney told me there wasn't time to get a bag of saline in me that was required before the anesthesiologist could place the epidural. She started one anyway because I wanted to, but I think it was mainly to placate me. But having the hope of pain relief was mentally helpful at that moment.

Britney asked me a little later why I still wanted an epidural and I told her the truth- I was scared of the pain of pushing the baby out. My labor was so crazy intense (hello transition) I couldn't imagine it getting even more intense to push the baby out. But she said pushing would actually be a relief from what I was feeling now. Once I heard and accepted that, I was mentally on board to go the whole way without the epidural.


Let me tell you- trying not to push when your body is involuntarily pushing is the absolute hardest thing I've ever had to do physically. My intense contractions would morph into unstoppable pushing urges but since I wasn't dilated completely and didn't want my cervix to swell, I had to try to stop them. They would have me blow through my lips to help me stop them.

I went to the bathroom to empty my bladder right before I was complete and during the single contraction I had on the toilet I completely understood why it's common for women to have babies on the toilet. That pushing urge in that position is intensely powerful.

I remember the nurses telling each other none of the doctors were answering their phones so they could come deliver Bellamy and thinking to myself that this baby was coming and it didn't matter who was here for it. I honestly thought to myself, "this nurse is competent and so if Meagan. It doesn't matter who catches this baby."

The best moment of my labor was when Britney finally gave me the okay to push when I had the urge. It was a total relief and for the first time I was getting complete rest in between pushing urges. I wouldn't even call them contractions. They were crazy powerful and intense but they felt so good and purposeful and not painful like the dilation contractions. Basically if you make it to 10, you've arrived.


Back to pushing: During my pregnancy I visited an amazing pelvic floor physical therapist who I asked about pushing during labor. The instructions she gave me and her coaching were so awesome; I felt like I knew exactly what to do when the urge to push hit me and I could breathe while pushing.

Initially, I pushed laying on my right side with my left leg on a stirrup. Miraculously, my body knew I really needed some time to completely rest in between the powerful pushing urges and it really helped to be able to lay there and finally relax. It was awesome because then when my body started pushing I would be able to fully participate and help.

They suggested trying to sit up and use the squat bar and for some reason pulling on the squat bar while bearing down during each pushing wave was so so helpful. Also, I basically roared during each push at the end (I semi lost my voice for the rest of the day because I was so loud). My dad always jokingly says you have to yell to open difficult lids but I say you have to yell to get a baby's head out of your vagina. I started pushing around 5:30 and the beautiful, healthy Bellamy was born a few minutes after 6:00.

I held my sweet girl in disbelief that not only had I gotten to birth her vaginally but my body had done it completely by itself. I don't quite know how to describe it- it was one of the few times I didn't dull what I was feeling and it felt inevitable. My body was unstoppable- it didn't matter what any of the hospital staff who came in and out of the room thought or did, I was going to have this baby vaginally. I made it out with a deep appreciation for my body and for my ability to do hard things.



During my final pushes I thought "I am a woman of strength" a couple times and "I am the man in the arena." Woman of strength is a phrase my awesome doula and her partner coined as part of the VBAC Link and man in the arena is a Theodore Roosevelt quote about living a full and vulnerable life, not a life on the sidelines as spectator.


It's strange that doing something women have done forever in the way it was always done can seem radical to some people. But unmedicated birth is a crazy miraculous experience I'll be forever grateful for. And every day I progress through my recovery I am more and more grateful to pick up my older babies, bend over and grab something or drive myself somewhere. I wish I could tell every woman who has had a c-section about the option of trying for a VBAC. It was fun to correct a nurse who called me a TOLAC patient (trial of labor after cesarean) that I was now a VBAC.



More than that though, I've had some really really special experiences with her that remind me who she truly is and where she came from. She came to our family for a specific reason and I'm so blessed to be her mom.